The First Time
by Vorcha Girl
Summary: Joker and Cassie Shepard have a long history of almost getting together, but after Shepard's party on the Citadel they have no choice but to face up to the way they feel.
_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

 **A/N - This is for one of the most amazing authors I have been fortunate enough to meet since joining the Mass Effect fandom. Jules Hawk has been a kind of mentor to me as well as an incredible friend and someone who has gone out of their way to support my writing. If you haven't read her stories you really should because they're amazing. Thank you Jules! I really hope you enjoy this story!**

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Bacon? _Check_.

Eggs? _Check_.

Toast? _Check_.

Cassiopeia Shepard hung onto the fridge door and peered inside, her nails tapping out a nervous rhythm. She removed a carton of orange juice, juggled it in her arms with the other breakfast items, and used her foot to nudge the door closed. A low groan, muffled by a couch cushion, floated in from the lounge room and she rolled her eyes as Joker let out a stream of remorseful curses, blaming everyone but himself for his hung over state.

She glanced over as he struggled into a sitting position and peered at her over the arm of the couch, hooded eyes watching as she bustled about the kitchen, but with another groan he flopped back down. The top of his head was only just visible as he lay on the couch feeling sorry for himself, and Cassie grinned as he snagged a cushion off the floor and covered his face to block out the light.

"Still alive over there?" she asked playfully as she set the bacon in the pan and began to fry it, expertly cracking eggs and adding them to the mix.

"Barely," he mumbled, throwing the cushion back to the floor and dragging himself into a sitting position. "Why don't you ever get sick like this? It's not fair."

Cassie laughed. "Being biotic helps."

"It was Steve's fault I got drunk," Joker lamented. "And James. They're a bad influence on me."

"You invited them," she reminded him as she poured a glass of orange juice and delivered it to him along with two aspirin. "Take this and man up."

He grumbled something under his breath about controlling females but took the painkillers and juice quickly enough, his eyes sweeping briefly down her body before he looked away and blushed. Cassie could feel his eyes on her as she made her way back to the kitchen and wondered, not for the first time since she'd woken up with Joker in her bed this morning, if he was planning to broach the topic of last night and what had happened or if he intended to keep avoiding the issue.

So far he'd successfully avoided talking to her about it all morning, and she suspected that the only reason he was still here _now_ was because she'd asked him to stay.

Cassie swallowed as she added more strips of bacon to the pan, mentally going over what _she_ wanted to say to _him._ Joker had to know how she felt about him, there was no way he'd missed her interest! Back on the SSV-Normandy she'd spent every spare minute of her free time up in the cockpit with him, finding excuses to take her there and then hanging around to chat with him about any and every subject under the sun.

There had been the small casual touches, the subtle presses of shoulders when they sat beside each other, the brush of his hand against hers as he took her through flight controls. Hell, they'd even kissed. Just once. One small moment right before Joker had dropped them on Ilos for their mad run to the conduit. She'd gone up to see him, nervous about the Mako drop but trusting in his skills, and for a brief moment they'd forgotten about rank. They'd forgotten they were the pilot and the Commander; they'd just been Cassie and Jeff.

He'd taken her hand, staring intently into her eyes before he'd muttered _"To hell with it!"_ and pulled her into a kiss. She'd never forget that kiss. His mouth had been firm against her lips, and his tongue hot as it slid against hers. She'd sunk into that embrace before she could stop herself, winding her arms around his neck and clinging to him as the passion of the moment swept her away.

She'd left afterwards without saying a thing, sure that when she got back they'd talk and maybe, just maybe something would happen. But it wasn't meant to be. After the battle of the Citadel she'd been swept up in a media storm and had barely had time to think as she'd been whisked from one event to another, from planet to planet, the media always watching her moves.

Joker had taken his shore leave on Tiptree and she hadn't seen him until their shore leave was up and the Normandy was sent out to investigate missing colonies in the Terminus systems. She'd meant to catch up with him, to talk to him about that kiss, to discuss what it meant, but Joker hadn't seemed to want to talk to her and then … .

Then Alchera happened and her life when to hell.

When Cerberus brought her back Joker had been an anchor, even if he'd refused to acknowledge it. Nothing compared to the moment she saw him come through those doors on the Cerberus base; just the sight of him had made her heart leap and her blood sing. In that moment she could have taken on a reaper and won with one punch; she could have done _anything_ because Joker was with her again.

But aside from that first hug they'd exchanged on the Cerberus base and the tears she'd seen in his eyes, Joker had kept his distance. He'd hidden behind his jokes and sarcasm, and whenever she tried to talk to him or get him alone he had a million excuses. She'd known he blamed himself for her death over Alchera, stupid really since she'd gone back to save _him_. But she'd held onto her hope. She'd held onto the memory of that kiss and the way she saw him watching her when he thought she couldn't see.

Cassie sighed and finished cooking the food, making sure the bacon was extra crispy and the eggs were over easy, the way they both liked it, then dished it up. Her hands were trembling so badly as she tried to carry the plates in that she had to put them down and take a moment to calm herself. This fear she was feeling was ridiculous; they were two consenting and, going from her blurry memory, they'd both had a very good time.

Plus, part of her was relieved something like this had finally happened, something to give her the push she needed to confront Joker about the tension between them and force her to front up to her own feelings.

Cassie gathered her courage and headed back into the lounge room, her gaze raking across Joker as he sprawled on the couch, lingering on his face which was shadowed with … pain? She set the plates down on the coffee table and dragged it closer, then nudged his legs until he moved so she could sit beside him. Joker groaned and sat up, dragging a hand down his face and knocking his hat off.

"Breakfast is served," she said with a flourish.

He flashed her a look from under his eyelashes and took his plate in hand. "I envy you biotics sometimes, your ability to drink yourself into a stupor and bounce back without a scratch the next day."

"I guess. It's handy for making our less fortunate friends breakfast though." She grinned at him, but he barely returned the gesture as he dragged his eyes from her and focused on his breakfast.

They danced around the elephant in the room as they tucked into their eggs and bacon, talking instead about the war with the reapers, the fight with her evil clone, and the antics of the others at the previous night's party. She could feel the tension in Joker's thigh when her leg brushed against his, and saw the tremble in his fingers when he reached for a napkin. When their fingers brushed lightly and Joker pulled his hand back like she'd burnt him Cassie decided she'd finally had enough, and with a sigh she put her fork down and turned to him.

"Joker, about last night-"

"Oh God, Cassie. Please." He turned to her guiltily, holding his juice in front of him like a shield. "I've been trying to think about what to say to you since I woke up this morning because _I'm sorry_ doesn't seem to cut it. I can only imagine what you must think of me." His hazel eyes stared sorrowfully into hers and his face crumpled. "I've fucked up so many times with you, but you still kept trusting me, and now I've gone and done _this_." Joker looked away as though he couldn't bear to look at her anymore.

Cassie open and closed her mouth soundlessly, unsure of what to do or how to reassure Joker that he'd never fucked up when it came to her. When she'd woken up this morning cuddled up to his chest it had been one of the most wonderful moments of her life. She'd imagined holding him and making love to him so many times over the last few years that she hadn't even been shocked to wake up beside him.

His chest had been lithely muscled and well proportioned, and the arms that he'd wrapped around her were strong and sure; the kind of arms that she could have stayed in forever. They'd been warm and comfortable together, their legs tangled and their bodies fitted together so perfectly it was as though they were two pieces of a puzzle that had always meant to fit together.

The night before came to her in pieces; she and Joker were drinking heavily and she'd stolen his hat. She'd put it on and dared him to get it back if he could, then she'd led him, with much teasing and taunting, up to the bedroom where she'd ransomed it for a kiss. Joker _had_ kissed her too, a toe curling kiss that sent shocks through her body, and she'd fallen into his arms, soaking up the affection he'd offered like a sponge.

She could remember him undressing her, his mouth and hands gentle as he stroked and kissed each new stretch of exposed skin. They'd made love slowly, exploring each other's bodies with a carefree abandon, laughing as they switched positions multiple times until they found one that was good for them both. The memory of lying on the bed with Joker kneeling before her, one of her legs hooked over his shoulder while he made love to her sent a flurry of butterflies through her tummy.

It had been the best night of her life.

Then Joker woke up and he'd stared down at her with a light in his eyes that had slowly gone out, and a look of horror had spread over his face like poison. That look had crushed her hopes and killed every ounce of happiness in her. He'd looked as though waking up beside her was a nightmare come true, and within a few moments he'd scooted away from her, wrapped one of the sheets around himself, and beat a hasty retreat.

His words as he'd stumbled away still rang in her ears _: I should go._

Hearing her own phrase come out his mouth in one of the worst moments of her life had been just another slap in the face.

She sighed, wishing she could reach out and reassure him. "Jeff, you've never fucked up with me. Last night was-"

"I took advantage of you." The words came tumbling out of his mouth so fast they were almost indistinguishable from each other.

Cassie's mouth dropped open in shock. "What?"

Joker rubbed the heel of his hands into his eyes and groaned softly. "It was so fucking stupid of me to get you that drunk, but you were having so much fun and I hadn't seen you smile like that in a long time. And then I started drinking too, and you stole my hat and asked me to kiss you … and I knew I should have gone, but you looked so beautiful." His turned anguished eyes on her. "I don't expect you forgive me for this, but I'm sorry I didn't keep my hands off you last night. You were drunk. God, I _knew_ you were drunk and I still-" He cut himself off and buried his face in his hands. "I'm such a fucking asshole."

"Jeff, no!" His distress gave her the strength she needed, and she scooted closer and gently peeled his hands away from his face. "You didn't take advantage of me at all. We were both drunk, but I didn't do anything I didn't want to do." She waited as he looked at her again, his eyes widening. "Last night was one of the best night of my life," Cassie admitted. "The only thing I regret is that it upset you this morning."

He pulled his hands out of hers. "Don't. Don't say that just try to and make me feel better. Don't try to play this off as nothing."

"You think that's what I'm doing?" She huffed and threw herself back against the couch. "Jesus, Jeff. I slept with you last night because I wanted to."

"What?" Jeff stared at her as though she was mad. "Cass, you don't mean that. You don't want me."

"Why? Because you have brittle bone disease?" Cassie rolled her eyes. "Big fucking deal."

He shrugged. "It's not just that, and you know it. There's other stuff too." Silence fell as he hesitated, picking up his fork and turning it over in his hands. "I killed you." His gazed flicked up to hers and the guilt she saw stole her breath. "It's my fault you died."

 _Alchera._

Why did everything have to come back to Alchera?

"That was _not_ your fault." She moved back to his side with her hands up imploringly. "The Collector's destroyed the Normandy, it's their fault."

Joker shook his head, denying her. "If I hadn't stayed-"

"You wouldn't be you if you hadn't stayed. I went back for you because you're the best damn pilot in the fleet, and because-" Cassie swallowed, her nerves welling up as Jeff stared at her. "Because I love you." She looked down as a hot flush enveloped her and her skin flamed bright red. "I've been in love with you for a very long time."

"You love me?" Joker blinked as though he couldn't believe his ears.

"That's what I said, isn't it?" She picked at the fibres on the couch and bit her lower lip. "I know you don't feel the same, but I-"

She was cut off as Joker caught her in his arms in a swift movement and pulled her close, crushing his lips against hers. His mouth was warm and after a moment of shock, Cassie flung her arms around his neck and kissed him back. They tumbled back onto the couch, Cassie gasping as Joker landed on top of her and pulled his mouth away with the stupidest grin she'd even seen on his face.

"You love me." It was a statement, not a question, and he cupped her face in his hands as he looked down at her. "I thought you hated me. There was that stupid kiss before Ilos, the whole Alchera thing, and then I thought last night would be the final straw." Joker kissed the tip of her nose. "I was getting prepared to hate myself."

"Last night was-" Cassie broke off and grinned, glowing with happiness. "Well, we were pretty drunk, but it was still an amazing night."

Joker's goofy grin widened and he caught her lips with his again, the kiss a little more demanding and a little more forceful. He opened his mouth and swirled his tongue around hers, dragging a sound of pleasure from deep in her throat, then he showered smaller kisses around her mouth and throat. Cassie giggled and clutched him tighter, her body glowing as the man she loved kept her pinned.

Finally, he pulled his mouth away. "I love you too, Cass. God, this is the best day of my life." His beautiful eyes were shining and his hands stroked along her body, gently and reverently. "Is this even real?"

Cassie smiled up at him, so full of happiness she felt as though she would burst.

"Very, very real, by the feel of things." She wriggled under him meaningfully and then paused as a thought occurred to her. "How long have you been in love with me?"

Joker winced and blushed. "Ages. I think I realised I was a lost cause when I risked the Normandy to pull you off Therum all those years ago. After that I couldn't stop thinking about you."

Cassie could have groaned. "You mean we wasted all that time?"

"Well," Joker leaned on his forearms and smirked, his eyes beginning to burn with something other than his usual good humour. "How about we start making up for lost time right now?" He shifted his weight on her, letting her feel how turned on he was as he slid one arm around her waist and pulled her into a more intimate contact with his body. "Because I'd really like to make love to you again. And this time do everything right."

"That," she told him with a wink. "Sounds like the perfect way to start the day."

"And end the day, right?" he suggested with a hopeful wiggle of his eyebrows.

Cassie giggled, happier in this moment than she could ever remember being in her life. "Definitely," she said as she snuggled into his embrace and ran teasing hands down his body. "In fact, I think it's the _only_ way to end the day."

Joker only laughed as he whisked her shirt off and set to work showing her exactly how much he loved her.

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 **A/N - Aaaw, another happy ending! ;) I hope you all enjoyed this story! Thanks for reading.**


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